No, Kate Marshall is the number one event planning software salesman in the world

Thank you for your previous article of whom could be the number one event planning software salesman* in the world. I would be remiss to argue against my good looks, sociopathic tendencies and slightly better than mediocre penis size. However, the core factor which makes the greatest event planning software salesman in the world involves neither sales nor event planning experience rather the intrinsic ability of being radiant. To this, I argue that Kate Marshall is the greatest event planning software salesman in the world.

What is radiance? I googled "radiant" and read everything until the 10th page before feeling the relevance was lost hours ago. Nevertheless, I went to the only credible source for being radiant, theradiantproject.com, and narrowed it down to 9 key factors 1) Ability to inspire, 2) Moisture of skin, 3) Relation to Cami, 4) Dance skills, 5) Weight of hair, 6) Brightness of smile, 7) Butt, 8) Penis size, 9) Ability to cause envy.

1) Ability to inspire: 10
Her ethics in inspiration is debatable, but in terms of ability it's an undisputed 10. On one hand she strayed people away from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and on the other she saved a tortured soul from the clutches of consumerism by merely whispering in his ear, "accelerate peace".

2) Moisture of skin: 10
Very soft cheeks.

3) Relation to Cami: 9
Kate and Cami's relationship has been a hotbed for debate as to whether they're best friends or lovers. Rumor has it they once touched lips. Until I see it for myself I'm going to have to doc her a point.

4) Dance skills: 10
Kate's dance moves have been described by onlookers as "erratic but graceful", "powerful yet elegant", and "it's like I was watching a ballet in The Octagon". Watching brings a tear to one's eye. Pictured here:

 

5) Weight of hair: 13 lbs
Most hair is weighed in the ounces. Notice the weight:

6) Brightness of smile: 8
Obviously, Kate has a 10 smile and only unleashes it when genuine humor or joy occurs. Points reduced for habitually hiding it to cause mischief or spread rumors about herself. She once said with a straight face, "I sell books because I feel like I'm helping families".

7) Butt: 10
Great butt

8) Penis size: 2
I can only assume she has an innie, but she gets a 2 because she has two very big balls. I saw them and Kate has a very impressive ball sack. 

9) Ability to cause envy: 10
Kate's one of those people that are "good at all the things". If the above mentioned isn't enough she can sing. Like, she's really good at singing. And if that's not enough, she's great at fishbowl. And everybody's like, "man, she gets to be in a SICAR with a handsome Russian Jewish Lumberjack".

The people agree, I'm right and you're wrong.


*gender is fluid

Is Jamison Pence the number one event planning software salesman in the world?

Today we tackle a topic highly disputed and discussed within the upper circles of the 1% in America. I follow their blogs, I've wiretapped their servants, I've even gone undercover as a lady of the night to get a load of the data surrounding this complicated and consequential issue. Is Jamison the number one event planning software salesman in the world?

Now, there are a few factors involved in deciding the recipient of this highly prestigious title:
1) Looks, 2) Charm, 3) Strength of second approach, 4) Penis size, 5) Passion for the service, 6) Ability to repress own emotions and manipulate emotions of others, 7) Focus at work

I have compiled and assessed the data to get to the bottom of this. Here are my findings in each category:

1) Looks: 10

Jamison is obviously an indisputable 10.

2) Charm: 9

Jamison has lost a point in this area because some find his amiable nature irritating. He has difficulty adapting to these churlish personalities, but for the most part he wins over all potential event planners within the first five minutes with his humor. Charm also linked to Jamison's good looks and irresistible smile, though.

3) Strength of second approach: 10

Jamison rarely needs to use a second approach because of the strength of his prowess in categories 1 and 2, but if his first approach is met with a "we're all set," he uses his famously coined second approach, "Oh man, well I guess you haven't heard about this yet?" The Bizzabo crew were so inspired and astounded by this innovative, stunning, aggressive and effective question/statement that they promoted him to "team lead." Who knows what promotions are in store for this brilliant mind next.

4) Penis size: 6-8

As one of the more disputed points of contention between the members of the 1%, I can only give a vague analysis here. Some say in whispers, "I've heard it's a grower, not a shower." Some attest to having personal experience with the member, with mixed reviews. As an analyst of integrity I admit it's difficult to say whether the negative results that came in were made from a place of jealousy, or perhaps unfair personal bias. That said, 6-8 is still a very respectable score in this category.

5) Passion for the service: 10

Jamison is so passionate about event planning software it blows everyone away. Those he works with often catch him looking at the picture of the Bizzabo logo, talking quietly to himself when he thinks no one is around, caressing his screen and saying, "My precious" over and over. Inspiring.

6) Ability to repress own emotions and manipulate emotions of others: 10

Why do you think Jamison is the team lead, and has the top results in the nation? Some people may think it's a negative attribute, but those in the 1%, and the analysts of the data all agree that Jamison's sociopathic ability to repress negative emotions within himself, and to bring out others' worst fears to use against them makes for a true contender for number one event planning software salesman in America.

One time Jamison secured a million dollar account by making an event planner cry, thinking about how someday he would be dead, and he just needed to plan the best party ever so his children would be proud of his legacy. GOOD STUFF

7) Focus at work: 4

Unfortunately, this is the topic Jamison doesn't excel in. Many have seen him sneaking off with the blonde in marketing, watching episodes of Game of Thrones during slow hours, one person even found a piece of paper thrown in the garbage in the corporate bathroom, with handwritten stand up jokes, tear stains-- we asked our handwriting expert, and it was in fact Jamison Pence's handwriting. To say the least, these are worrying signs indicating a lack of focus for the great salesman.

Fortunately for Jamison, in most areas he goes "above and beyond," a little phrase we in the corporate world only use for the most excellent of employees. As far as event planning software salespeople go, he's brilliant. And as a professional analyst of data, I think it's fair to say he's the best in the America (as long as Chris Salata stays where he is, in the account executive division).

And if you disagree on any points I've made, just remember, I'm right, you're wrong.

2014 was the year for Ebola - no butts about it

When the public holds every word you say in such high regard there is a responsibility to only speak truth. It's premature to speak until given all of the facts. After gathering ample data and stone cold facts- I have discovered that 2014 is NOT the year for butts.

It would be premature to know what 2014 was the year of right at the turn of 2015 without letting enough time pass. Much like how we know more about dead presidents as time passes.

Butts will always be fun to look at, touch, jiggle, maneuver, squeeze, poke, etc. but butts are passed their prime. Butts went out in the 90's; they hit their peak when Sir Mix Alot created the fire album "Mack Daddy" and died in 96 along with Gene Kelly. Notice in the below graph "Butts" have only decreased in popularity over time and remained flat as a pancake over the year 2014.

In terms of that lady showing her butt on that magazine- you are confusing correlation and causation. People were looking at her butt, however, there is no link between her butt and 2014 being the year of the butt. The public is more interested in the person yielding the butt than the butt itself. That lady is more powerful than all of the butts in the world and you are confusing her popularity with the popularity of butts(see below Google trend of "Butts" and "Kardashian").


 Bonus graph!

Now that I have proved you wrong - I'll prove myself right.



Ebola went viral in 2014 and fizzled off as we went into 2015. Nobody even mentioned it previous to 2014. Once we got settled into the year everyone was saying "who has it?", "how do I get it?!" "who's going to get it next?!" It was the biggest craze at the time! (see below graph)

It became kosher to ask if somebody's butt was real since the 90s but 2014 was the year to ask if they have Ebola.

And to answer a few of your questions-
My butt is real. It's okay to judge people's faces by their butts and vice versa. And you are wrong.

2014 the year of Ebola. You can't argue facts.

You're Welcome.

I'm Jamie Pence. And I'm right.

2014 was the year for butts

The other day my nemesis, Jamie, told me that you can get fake butts. I said, "What? Fake butts? If you can get a fake butt why do people do squats anymore?"

In my masterful, always-right opinion-- 2014 was the year for butts. I've even discovered a couple things for myself about them:

Firstly, women have butts, for sure. There was that one lady who showed her butt on that magazine cover which everyone seemed to be surprised by, including myself. I thought, "who knew? That woman has a butt." Seems to me that, just cause of a butt, a woman can be on the cover of a magazine-- which I had never thought of before.

There was also that other lady who was moving her butt up and down in a twerking fashion. Some people were like "she doesn't even have enough of a butt to pull that off!" But her butt seems to me to be able to pull off backwards up and down motions same as anybody else's. Made me think, butts are a question and an answer all at once, sometimes. They're complicated.

Is it okay to judge people's faces by their butts? Like you see their face, then you see their butt and everything about their face changes for you? Or you see their butt, then their face, and same thing? I think, as of this year, it's okay if you end up judging a face by a butt.

That brings us back to the biggest question of all, though. My question to Jamie still goes unanswered, and now I am hyper-sensitive to whether or not a butt is real. I've decided the best way to find out, really, is to just ask them straight up: "Is your butt real?" and then just try to decipher whether or not she/he is the type of individual to be honest about butts. Besides, they'll probably be flattered that you'd even ask. And if it was me asking, they'll be honored I'm even speaking to them.

Sorry you're not me.

The only butt I know is for sure real is my own. And I'm pretty sure Gene Kelly's butt is real. I'm like 95% on that. See? Even I can admit I don't know everything all the time-- but really, let's admit it, 95% is not bad. Just look for yourself (and don't sell yourself short. Look at all of these).

http://genekellysbutt.tumblr.com/?og=1

So, Jamie, amirite? Was 2014 the year of the butt? I don't think this is contestable.

You're Welcome.

I'm Kate Marshall. And I'm right.

Valentine's Day is Bullshit

We’re all familiar on how the holiday was created when St. Valentine first invented the butterfly-shaped box and needed a way to promote it by creating a holiday called, at the time, “butterfly-shaped box day”; later changed to “Valentine’s Day”.  This was promoted to peasants and simple folk as the day of sacrifice to the butterflies or else they’ll come in droves and eat your crops.  The simple tradition was to catch a butterfly pin it to the inside of the box and give it to your loved one in hopes that they have a bountiful harvest.*  Over the years Valentine’s Day changed to symbolize a day of appreciating your “loved” one by buying them something special; chocolates, flowers, a cotton stuffed bear etc.  My qualm with Valentine’s Day isn’t with how it has changed over the years or the commercialism that’s attached to it; rather because it is the antithesis of love and happiness.

People forget what “love” is and the consequences that result from it.  Michael Davis, Psychologist, insurance salesman and MySpace user, stated, “Society loves to oversimplify things these days. Take “love” for instance.  An imaginary concept used to describe one’s feelings invoked when dopamine is released in the brain activated by a stimulus”. 

Love between two humans is pointless.  When you’re in “love” with someone they are merely thinking very short term because in the long run it will inevitably come to an end.  You’re told that “I will never leave you” or “you’re the one for me” only find that you’ve been lied to, cheated on or they eventually die on you.  Think of the majority of your dating relationships; if it is more than one then most of them ended in heart-ache and ultimately depression(a lack of dopamine).  Notice how Valentine’s Day conveniently ignores the eventual pain you feel when that person breaks your heart(-shaped candies).

Heroin is better than heartache.  The ultimate feeling of love comes from heroin.  Think about your previous experiences with heroin: it gave you a better feeling a significant other could have ever brought you, it won’t leave you, and it’s cheaper than human “love”.  Heroin is the ultimate forbidden love; your family warns you against it, your friends warn you against it and the government warns you against it but it will not stop you.  When Marius Gherghinescu said “Love knows no bounds” he was referring to heroin because you’re more likely to surpass boundaries for heroin than some human skin-sack that may or may not return the favor.

In conclusion, next time somebody gives you a DeBeer’s diamond ring; sell it and buy some real happiness.

I’m right and you’re wrong

You’re welcome,

The Jamie Pence

* Quintilian. The History of Valentine’s Day. Trans. H. E. Butler. Vol. 2. Cambridge: Loeb-Harvard UP, 1980. Print.

The Age Old Question: Which Muppet is the Best?- The Response

Kate,

Right, celebrities are the last people you want to turn to when it comes to determining such key issues such as this one.  If celebrities have taught us anything it’s that they cannot be trusted.  For example, are you going to take the opinion of someone who laughs incessantly over poop jokes*?  Not to mention, actors are famous for being someone they aren’t. Lies.

Wrong, Bobby Benson Baby Band is NOT the best Muppet.  If this were a contest of the cutest or the most annoying Muppet then they would take the cake.  It's easy to say that the Bobby Benson Baby Band is the best Muppet because it's the "in" Muppet at the time but that's like saying Justin Bieber is the best singer of all time.  I think it was a premature choice but nice try.

This is a question of the best.  I would define the best Muppet as one with principles, true leader and someone all the people can get behind.  The best Muppet is clearly Marvin E. Quasniki, a turquoise farmer from Nevada and runner in the GOP primaries.  Marvin E Quasniki is a straight shooter and a man of the people.  He runs on a platform of no bullshit and plans to remove it from our political system.  His issues are your issues; how can you not get behind that?  

I think this video makes my point. 

You’re welcome.

I’m Jamie Pence and you’re wrong

* Anderson Cooper

The Age Old Question: Which Muppet is the Best?

Lately there's been a widespread argument in the news, and many public discussions about which Muppet is the best. It's been a very provoking subject for me. I thought it'd be nice to resolve the disagreements and allow the truth set everyone free. The fact is that most people are just too emotional about their choices. They don't look at the issue objectively, which is vital to get to the bottom of any controversial subject.

Anderson Cooper said Rowlf the Dog is the best, based on the logic that "you have to be yourself, and you have to be real and you have to admit what you don`t know, and talk about what you do know, and talk about what you don`t know as long as you say you don`t know it." We don't think Cooper completely understands what he is talking about here, but we think his decision is absolutely based off his own feelings for dogs, as is evident in these pictures: 

 

Christian Bale pretended that the obvious answer was Kermit the Frog. He said, "a good director will be able to listen and hear everything, but have a confident vision of his own that he can say, 'oh yeah - that's a great point.'" However, it's clear that Bale's opinion is based off of his own personal connection with the frog, as is evident in all these copy-frog headshots:

 Separated at birth?

David Lee Roth likes Animal. Lady Gaga argues that Gonzo is the best. John Malkovich connects most with Dr. Strangepork. Shirley Temple, with Beaker. Roger Ebert is a fan of Statler and Waldorf. Mark Zuckerberg argues the significance of Floyd Pepper. Donald Trump supports Rizzo the Rat. Zsa Zsa Gabor relates the emotional story that Miss Piggy was the most influential persona for her career, and says she continues to inspire the world daily.

The problem with all of these opinions is that's all they are: opinions. Emotional. To look at something objectively you must research. You must watch every Muppets episode and movie in the history of the Muppets. I have done this for you, America. The result may surprise you, but rid yourself of your preconceptions. Allow your mind to be blown away by the truth. The Muppet with the most dignity, sincerity, intellect, maturity, humor, the most versatile and diverse, the one with the most to offer to the world is irrefutably: 

The Guitarist Baby in Bobby Benson's Baby Band!!

Watch this clip, to know what I'm talking about. Trust me. I'm right. The drummer baby comes up at a close second. The Swedish Chef at a close third. Watch this short clip for proof.

You're welcome.

I'm Kate Marshall. And I'm right.