No, Kate Marshall is the number one event planning software salesman in the world

Thank you for your previous article of whom could be the number one event planning software salesman* in the world. I would be remiss to argue against my good looks, sociopathic tendencies and slightly better than mediocre penis size. However, the core factor which makes the greatest event planning software salesman in the world involves neither sales nor event planning experience rather the intrinsic ability of being radiant. To this, I argue that Kate Marshall is the greatest event planning software salesman in the world.

What is radiance? I googled "radiant" and read everything until the 10th page before feeling the relevance was lost hours ago. Nevertheless, I went to the only credible source for being radiant, theradiantproject.com, and narrowed it down to 9 key factors 1) Ability to inspire, 2) Moisture of skin, 3) Relation to Cami, 4) Dance skills, 5) Weight of hair, 6) Brightness of smile, 7) Butt, 8) Penis size, 9) Ability to cause envy.

1) Ability to inspire: 10
Her ethics in inspiration is debatable, but in terms of ability it's an undisputed 10. On one hand she strayed people away from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and on the other she saved a tortured soul from the clutches of consumerism by merely whispering in his ear, "accelerate peace".

2) Moisture of skin: 10
Very soft cheeks.

3) Relation to Cami: 9
Kate and Cami's relationship has been a hotbed for debate as to whether they're best friends or lovers. Rumor has it they once touched lips. Until I see it for myself I'm going to have to doc her a point.

4) Dance skills: 10
Kate's dance moves have been described by onlookers as "erratic but graceful", "powerful yet elegant", and "it's like I was watching a ballet in The Octagon". Watching brings a tear to one's eye. Pictured here:

 

5) Weight of hair: 13 lbs
Most hair is weighed in the ounces. Notice the weight:

6) Brightness of smile: 8
Obviously, Kate has a 10 smile and only unleashes it when genuine humor or joy occurs. Points reduced for habitually hiding it to cause mischief or spread rumors about herself. She once said with a straight face, "I sell books because I feel like I'm helping families".

7) Butt: 10
Great butt

8) Penis size: 2
I can only assume she has an innie, but she gets a 2 because she has two very big balls. I saw them and Kate has a very impressive ball sack. 

9) Ability to cause envy: 10
Kate's one of those people that are "good at all the things". If the above mentioned isn't enough she can sing. Like, she's really good at singing. And if that's not enough, she's great at fishbowl. And everybody's like, "man, she gets to be in a SICAR with a handsome Russian Jewish Lumberjack".

The people agree, I'm right and you're wrong.


*gender is fluid

Is Jamison Pence the number one event planning software salesman in the world?

Today we tackle a topic highly disputed and discussed within the upper circles of the 1% in America. I follow their blogs, I've wiretapped their servants, I've even gone undercover as a lady of the night to get a load of the data surrounding this complicated and consequential issue. Is Jamison the number one event planning software salesman in the world?

Now, there are a few factors involved in deciding the recipient of this highly prestigious title:
1) Looks, 2) Charm, 3) Strength of second approach, 4) Penis size, 5) Passion for the service, 6) Ability to repress own emotions and manipulate emotions of others, 7) Focus at work

I have compiled and assessed the data to get to the bottom of this. Here are my findings in each category:

1) Looks: 10

Jamison is obviously an indisputable 10.

2) Charm: 9

Jamison has lost a point in this area because some find his amiable nature irritating. He has difficulty adapting to these churlish personalities, but for the most part he wins over all potential event planners within the first five minutes with his humor. Charm also linked to Jamison's good looks and irresistible smile, though.

3) Strength of second approach: 10

Jamison rarely needs to use a second approach because of the strength of his prowess in categories 1 and 2, but if his first approach is met with a "we're all set," he uses his famously coined second approach, "Oh man, well I guess you haven't heard about this yet?" The Bizzabo crew were so inspired and astounded by this innovative, stunning, aggressive and effective question/statement that they promoted him to "team lead." Who knows what promotions are in store for this brilliant mind next.

4) Penis size: 6-8

As one of the more disputed points of contention between the members of the 1%, I can only give a vague analysis here. Some say in whispers, "I've heard it's a grower, not a shower." Some attest to having personal experience with the member, with mixed reviews. As an analyst of integrity I admit it's difficult to say whether the negative results that came in were made from a place of jealousy, or perhaps unfair personal bias. That said, 6-8 is still a very respectable score in this category.

5) Passion for the service: 10

Jamison is so passionate about event planning software it blows everyone away. Those he works with often catch him looking at the picture of the Bizzabo logo, talking quietly to himself when he thinks no one is around, caressing his screen and saying, "My precious" over and over. Inspiring.

6) Ability to repress own emotions and manipulate emotions of others: 10

Why do you think Jamison is the team lead, and has the top results in the nation? Some people may think it's a negative attribute, but those in the 1%, and the analysts of the data all agree that Jamison's sociopathic ability to repress negative emotions within himself, and to bring out others' worst fears to use against them makes for a true contender for number one event planning software salesman in America.

One time Jamison secured a million dollar account by making an event planner cry, thinking about how someday he would be dead, and he just needed to plan the best party ever so his children would be proud of his legacy. GOOD STUFF

7) Focus at work: 4

Unfortunately, this is the topic Jamison doesn't excel in. Many have seen him sneaking off with the blonde in marketing, watching episodes of Game of Thrones during slow hours, one person even found a piece of paper thrown in the garbage in the corporate bathroom, with handwritten stand up jokes, tear stains-- we asked our handwriting expert, and it was in fact Jamison Pence's handwriting. To say the least, these are worrying signs indicating a lack of focus for the great salesman.

Fortunately for Jamison, in most areas he goes "above and beyond," a little phrase we in the corporate world only use for the most excellent of employees. As far as event planning software salespeople go, he's brilliant. And as a professional analyst of data, I think it's fair to say he's the best in the America (as long as Chris Salata stays where he is, in the account executive division).

And if you disagree on any points I've made, just remember, I'm right, you're wrong.