Valentine's Day is Bullshit

We’re all familiar on how the holiday was created when St. Valentine first invented the butterfly-shaped box and needed a way to promote it by creating a holiday called, at the time, “butterfly-shaped box day”; later changed to “Valentine’s Day”.  This was promoted to peasants and simple folk as the day of sacrifice to the butterflies or else they’ll come in droves and eat your crops.  The simple tradition was to catch a butterfly pin it to the inside of the box and give it to your loved one in hopes that they have a bountiful harvest.*  Over the years Valentine’s Day changed to symbolize a day of appreciating your “loved” one by buying them something special; chocolates, flowers, a cotton stuffed bear etc.  My qualm with Valentine’s Day isn’t with how it has changed over the years or the commercialism that’s attached to it; rather because it is the antithesis of love and happiness.

People forget what “love” is and the consequences that result from it.  Michael Davis, Psychologist, insurance salesman and MySpace user, stated, “Society loves to oversimplify things these days. Take “love” for instance.  An imaginary concept used to describe one’s feelings invoked when dopamine is released in the brain activated by a stimulus”. 

Love between two humans is pointless.  When you’re in “love” with someone they are merely thinking very short term because in the long run it will inevitably come to an end.  You’re told that “I will never leave you” or “you’re the one for me” only find that you’ve been lied to, cheated on or they eventually die on you.  Think of the majority of your dating relationships; if it is more than one then most of them ended in heart-ache and ultimately depression(a lack of dopamine).  Notice how Valentine’s Day conveniently ignores the eventual pain you feel when that person breaks your heart(-shaped candies).

Heroin is better than heartache.  The ultimate feeling of love comes from heroin.  Think about your previous experiences with heroin: it gave you a better feeling a significant other could have ever brought you, it won’t leave you, and it’s cheaper than human “love”.  Heroin is the ultimate forbidden love; your family warns you against it, your friends warn you against it and the government warns you against it but it will not stop you.  When Marius Gherghinescu said “Love knows no bounds” he was referring to heroin because you’re more likely to surpass boundaries for heroin than some human skin-sack that may or may not return the favor.

In conclusion, next time somebody gives you a DeBeer’s diamond ring; sell it and buy some real happiness.

I’m right and you’re wrong

You’re welcome,

The Jamie Pence

* Quintilian. The History of Valentine’s Day. Trans. H. E. Butler. Vol. 2. Cambridge: Loeb-Harvard UP, 1980. Print.

The Age Old Question: Which Muppet is the Best?- The Response

Kate,

Right, celebrities are the last people you want to turn to when it comes to determining such key issues such as this one.  If celebrities have taught us anything it’s that they cannot be trusted.  For example, are you going to take the opinion of someone who laughs incessantly over poop jokes*?  Not to mention, actors are famous for being someone they aren’t. Lies.

Wrong, Bobby Benson Baby Band is NOT the best Muppet.  If this were a contest of the cutest or the most annoying Muppet then they would take the cake.  It's easy to say that the Bobby Benson Baby Band is the best Muppet because it's the "in" Muppet at the time but that's like saying Justin Bieber is the best singer of all time.  I think it was a premature choice but nice try.

This is a question of the best.  I would define the best Muppet as one with principles, true leader and someone all the people can get behind.  The best Muppet is clearly Marvin E. Quasniki, a turquoise farmer from Nevada and runner in the GOP primaries.  Marvin E Quasniki is a straight shooter and a man of the people.  He runs on a platform of no bullshit and plans to remove it from our political system.  His issues are your issues; how can you not get behind that?  

I think this video makes my point. 

You’re welcome.

I’m Jamie Pence and you’re wrong

* Anderson Cooper

The Age Old Question: Which Muppet is the Best?

Lately there's been a widespread argument in the news, and many public discussions about which Muppet is the best. It's been a very provoking subject for me. I thought it'd be nice to resolve the disagreements and allow the truth set everyone free. The fact is that most people are just too emotional about their choices. They don't look at the issue objectively, which is vital to get to the bottom of any controversial subject.

Anderson Cooper said Rowlf the Dog is the best, based on the logic that "you have to be yourself, and you have to be real and you have to admit what you don`t know, and talk about what you do know, and talk about what you don`t know as long as you say you don`t know it." We don't think Cooper completely understands what he is talking about here, but we think his decision is absolutely based off his own feelings for dogs, as is evident in these pictures: 

 

Christian Bale pretended that the obvious answer was Kermit the Frog. He said, "a good director will be able to listen and hear everything, but have a confident vision of his own that he can say, 'oh yeah - that's a great point.'" However, it's clear that Bale's opinion is based off of his own personal connection with the frog, as is evident in all these copy-frog headshots:

 Separated at birth?

David Lee Roth likes Animal. Lady Gaga argues that Gonzo is the best. John Malkovich connects most with Dr. Strangepork. Shirley Temple, with Beaker. Roger Ebert is a fan of Statler and Waldorf. Mark Zuckerberg argues the significance of Floyd Pepper. Donald Trump supports Rizzo the Rat. Zsa Zsa Gabor relates the emotional story that Miss Piggy was the most influential persona for her career, and says she continues to inspire the world daily.

The problem with all of these opinions is that's all they are: opinions. Emotional. To look at something objectively you must research. You must watch every Muppets episode and movie in the history of the Muppets. I have done this for you, America. The result may surprise you, but rid yourself of your preconceptions. Allow your mind to be blown away by the truth. The Muppet with the most dignity, sincerity, intellect, maturity, humor, the most versatile and diverse, the one with the most to offer to the world is irrefutably: 

The Guitarist Baby in Bobby Benson's Baby Band!!

Watch this clip, to know what I'm talking about. Trust me. I'm right. The drummer baby comes up at a close second. The Swedish Chef at a close third. Watch this short clip for proof.

You're welcome.

I'm Kate Marshall. And I'm right.